So tomorrow night the Green Bay Packers kick off the start of the 2013 NFL season with a meaningless game against the Arizona Cardinals.
In the end the only thing that matters is that the Pack comes out of the game with no additional injuries.
A victory would be nice, but let’s be honest, it is preseason, who cares if you win or lose, unless your name is Greg Jennings. If that is the case, and you subscribe to his most recent rant, then the Packers’ brass will have you drinking green and gold Kool Aid and making you believe that this game is just as big, no bigger than the Super Bowl.
Now, I do subscribe to many theories regarding conspiracies, alien abductions and the NFL substituting cyborgs for real players (ACL tears are really mechanical breakdowns of the nanotechnology used to construct the cyborgs, but that is another article). But really, Mr. Jennings, you expect me, the king of conspiracy, to believe that the Packers brainwashed you?
What proof do you have to support this claim? I don’t see Ted Thompson or the coaching staff as being that diabolical. Is there a secret room where you are stretched out over the rack or given shock therapy to get you to believe that the world revolves around Green Bay (oh wait! That part is true)?
Did you have mind control devices implanted in you while you slept? Were you fed a steady diet of Captain Crunch and only allowed to eat it with a single toothpick?
I think not!
Thus there is no proof whatsoever that there is any brainwashing going on.
Then again, maybe there is. How else could we conclude that you were a premier receiver in the NFL? How else could we believe that you were a man of honor and integrity? Why would we, as faithful fans believe that you, an aging veteran more concerned about ego than winning was worth the money that was offered.
OH MY GOD!!! We were brainwashed to support you! We fell under the control of Mark Murphy, Mike McCarthy and the secret mind control police of the Packers Nation!
We were brainwashed to cheer for you, buy your jersey, and enjoy those classless Old Spice commercials.
Somewhere, someplace a lone renegade must have ridden into town on a Harley and broke the masses free of the constant bombardment of mind control signals. It was then and only then that our eyes were opened to the truth.
The truth that you are nothing but an egomaniac who wants all the attention focused on him and not the team. For you it is about personal gratification and the only way you can do that is to slam your previous team – a team that took you to the mountaintop and then when they got you there, you continuously try to push them off the top to claim you did it on your own.
You, Greg Jennings, could never be brainwashed, because in order to be brainwashed you must have a brain and I think yours suffocated from being sat on.
Packers fans believe in integrity, honesty, and loyalty. Violate that and you will be shunned (ask that Brett guy about that and how long of a journey it is to get back). In fact you may receive a sentence worse than purgatory itself, you could find yourself rushing towards the goal line in the NFC Championship game and three yards from the winning touchdown you fumble and the other team recovers the ball. You fumbled away the victory, just like Brett threw away the championship to the Giants (and the Saints).
When that happens, you will wish that you could be brainwashed – brainwashed to believe that you were still playing for the Pack and adored by millions.
Too bad you chose the wrong colored pill, Neo.
GO! PACK! GO!
Packers fans, watch for pictures from the Packer Hall of Fame and the Lambeau Field tour early next week, as I go deep undercover in search of the brain washing room!