December 2, 2012;Baltimore, MD, USA;A general view of the Instant Replay booth during the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Baltimore Ravens at M&T Bank Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Evan Habeeb-USA TODAY Sports

A satirical NFL review: This can't be serious


Sep 16, 2012; Cincinnati, OH, USA; NFL replacement referee in the instant replay booth between the Cleveland Browns and Cincinnati Bengals at Paul Brown Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Andrew Weber-US Presswire

Don’t quote me on this, but …

NFL owners voted Tuesday to significantly change the instant replay process. The owners had two choices on which to vote, and the vote was done by the owners covering their eyes and raising their hand to place their vote.

The first choice was to outsource all reviews to an unnamed third world country. The league could no longer afford to pay referees to stand under a hood for extra work. They have too many responsibilities in the first place, and unfortunately they are aging. By replacing  referees with much younger and less expensive labor, Roger Goodell can finally afford to buy the New York Giants a Super Bowl.

This option was not popular among the owners.

Instead, the owners chose to move all reviews through Russia, specifically Vladimir Putin. It turns out Russian government has much bigger TV screens, allowing them to clearly dissect the play in question. Besides fishing and riding horseback with his shirt off, Putin loves American football. During a review the referees will essentially go “under the hood” with Mr. Putin. He will then take over all decision-making with regards to the play.

Once he makes his decision, he will be video conferenced onto the jumbotron in the stadium. Here, he will give an emotional speech about “righting” the wrongs of the referees on the field, essentially taking away their confidence. At this point, Russian soldiers have already made their way to the stadium to enforce the call.

Where is New York in the process?

Good question.

In their million dollar homes pondering what touchdown celebration to ban next. Putin hopes that becoming a sufficient replay analyst will help him become a better president to a country that has failed to develop its economy, a civil society, or even foster political pluralism.

Just imagine the repercussions of the “Fail Mary.”

Seriously, don’t quote me on this.

The league owners voted to pass Rule Proposal 9, which says that referees can consult with the officiating department in New York during replay reviews.

It’s a good thing.  Simply, more speed and accuracy.

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  • Peter Maiz

    But we must hear on another Putin point, 20% of the players must now be from the motherland, Russia. No Ukrainians need apply.