Anyone who came upon the piece published by Star Tribune blogger Rand Ball this week had a chance to laugh out loud … Not only did his publication of “Clearance Clarence: A medical investigation of Packers fans’ thin skin” make me laugh, I couldn’t agree more with what he had to say … Packers fans skin is extremely thin, especially when they have to listen to the mush-mouthed banter each year from those Vikings fans who wouldn’t know a Super Bowl ring from the ring that encircles their bathtubs.
No doubt an in-depth Scandinavian scientific study, Clarence’s look at this particular female Packers fan must have been done between bites of lefse and Aebelskiver washed down with glogg, otherwise known as the water dipped out of one of those 10,000 lakes.
Yes, we like our cheese, beer, brats and hairy legs because that’s what we all need to endure those sub-zero games in the outdoors at Lambeau. Unlike the Vikings fans who have this phobia of things falling from above (such as mass amounts of snow through their roof), the only things that Packers players and fans watch falling from the skies is the confetti after wins in the Super Bowl.
And while Vikings fans believe that Packers fans have thin skin as has been so notably recorded in this documented study, here’s the rub: the Packers fans can afford to have a low tolerance to criticism … Especially when it comes from fans who jump on and off their bandwagon faster than Gary Anderson can miss a field goal … Faster than Brett Favre can change his mind about whether or not he should play.
We’re proud of our thin skin … We’re proud of our team that not only wins championships, but has a history twice as long as that so-called professional football team from the Twin Cities. We don’t like it when fans of a team without a Super Bowl trophy case make jokes about us and our team.
So we’ll take our thin skin, go home, have a beer, brat and cheese-filled hot dog and enjoy a sleep filled with sweet dreams of touchdowns and Lombardi Trophies.
You can take your scientific studies to the community sew-in to help repair the Humptydome roof and then call your legislator to tell him to support the building of that billion dollar behemoth planned for Arden Hills.
Oh, and don’t forget your lefse and glogg.
Here is the full text of Rand Ball’s blog:
I decided to do a little research and stumbled upon the following “press release.” I’m surprised this hasn’t received more media attention. Please enjoy:
MADISON – In what anthropologists and health care professionals are calling an unprecedented and historical breakthrough in medical science, a University of Wisconsin study reported in this week’s Journal of the American Medical Association claims that Green Bay Packer fans have “genetically cultivated – over a long period of time – the most significantly diaphanous epidermis of any (quasi) biped within the hominid taxonomic spectrum.”
In layman’s terms, science has finally proven what the outside world has known all along: Green Bay Packer fans have the thinnest skin of any human species ever known to man.
“The average human has 4 to 5 outer layers of skin, depending on the body part,” says Dr. Karl Schmidt, Executive Director of the Wisconsin Institute of Dermatology, and primary author of the study. “The average Packer fan has only one delicate layer of skin. And, indubitably, that layer smells funny.”
While normal human skin thickness is approximately 0.25 millimeters, the average Packer fan’s skin is only .01 millimeters thick. For unknown reasons, this anomaly also leads to involuntary vocal reactions.
“Watch as I conduct a standard Patellar Reflex Test on this prototypical Packers fan. Some of the thickest skin on your body is on the knee, so I’ll hit her there with this mallet. Her reaction will be immediate and completely instinctive,” Dr. Schmidt explains as he strikes the patient’s knee.
“OUR FANS OWN THE TEAM,” the patient screams, while holding a kielbasa stuffed with a cheeseburger Hot Pocket stuffed with another, smaller kielbasa. Each strike of the mallet elicits a different reaction, but each reaction is equally shrill and slurred.
“HOW MANY SUPER BOWLS HAS YOUR TEAM WON?”
“WE STAND THE WHOLE GAME. NO OTHER FANS DO THAT.”
“YOU’RE NOT OUR RIVALS. THE BEARS ARE OUR RIVALS.”
The patient’s reactions become increasingly nonsensical, including references to Paul Hornung, season ticket waiting lists and Dan Devine’s dog.
Although the study is historically significant, researchers are unsure what to do with the information. They do advise all Green Bay Packer fans to take extra safety measures in protecting their fragile skin from tears and cuts.
“Avoid internet chat rooms,” cautions Dr. Daniel Currie, Chief Resident of the Milwaukee County Hospital and Veterinary Service Center. “Your skin is at its thinnest when the outside world refuses to recognize how superior your football players, coaches, fans, stadium, uniforms, history, Hall of Fame, broadcasters, cheerleaders, and tailgating are to the rest of the league. Also, keep your skin well moisturized. Gravy is not a skin moisturizer, people. I cannot stress that enough. Country gravy is no exception, so stop asking me that. Geez Louise.”