Super Bowl ‘Pageant Week’ a thing of beauty

Baltimore Ravens inside linebacker Ray Lewis (52) addresses the press during this week’s “pageant,” otherwise known as media day.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

As a semi-casual, half-hearted Green Bay Packers fan, I find the lull between the early exit of the playoffs until the start of mini-camps to be a very dull and uninteresting time.  Yet there is always one week that does seem to come alive with at least one or two stories that were either tailor made or were being held just until the right moment to be sprung upon the general populace.

Yep, it is media week so bring out the stupidity and the shocking that comes with the competition we know as the Super Bowl.

This year we have three incidents that clearly are contending for the Crown of Stupidity.  So with no further adieu, let me announce the winners (to date, things could change as we still have five days to go before kickoff).

Mardi Gras figurine of New Orleans Saints quarterback Drew Brees at the Super Bowl XLVII media party at Mardi Gras World.

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

Second runner goes up to Mr. Drew Brees, who also wins the award for Mr. Congeniality.  It seems that Mr. Brees decided to take it upon himself to throw all of the former NFL players who gave their blood, sweat and tears to the game under the bus so guys like him could line their pockets.  Mr. Brees in the question and answer portion of the competition explained that it was poor financial planning on the part of former players that resulted in their financial shortcomings today.  He went on to elaborate that current players should not have to pay or give more in order to support those who came before he and all the other multimillionaires could line their pockets.

Fortunately, former Packer Great, Herb Adderley was there to score Mr. Brees and point out his utter stupidity and lack of understanding of the topic matter.

Mr. Adderley stated,

"“Drew Brees is misinformed and he had no idea what was going on as far as why, he never came to any of the guys and said, ‘Well, why did you have to take early pension?’ He just made up his own mind about why some guys were in bad shape financially. And he just came out and made statements like that. And in my mind, Drew Brees is one of the greediest guys, and misinformed guys, in the NFL today. Last year he held out because he wanted more money. The guy’s already made millions and millions and millions of dollars, but he’s going to hold out for more money. And then he comes down on the retired guys for just wanting a few more dollars for the time, the cornerstones, what we put in the league  …  And none of us retired guys are fans of Brees because of him being misinformed. I needed the money. I needed to put my daughter through school and she ended up being a very successful dentist at the particular time in Washington, D.C.  If I don’t do that, she don’t end up going to college.”"

Ohhhhh, sorry Drew, it seems you have a severe case of foot-in-mouth disease.  Why don’t you go back to the locker room  and plan some more bounties with the rest of the team … oh wait, I mean develop defensive schemes that will allow your defense to capitalize on the weaknesses of your opponents.

Randy Moss

Kirby Lee-USA TODAY Sports

First runner-up goes to Randy Moss.  Up until this point, I forgot that Randy still played in the NFL.  In fact, I thought he had been traded to the CFL for a sled dog and a VHS copy of “Strange Brew,” starring Bob and Doug McKenzie.  But I was proven wrong as evident in the evening gown competition when Randy strutted out on to the stage in a pink gown with matching gloves.

While walking the walk, he clearly talked the talk and reminded everyone who was listening that he is the “greatest” wide receiver in the history of the NFL.  This coming from the man who graciously pretended to moon the faithful at Lambeau Field and insulted the caterer for the Minnesota Vikings.  He also led to the downfall of one Brad Childress and was instrumental in pretty much nothing since leaving the Minnesota Vikings.  Clearly, Randy is a legend in his own mind.

How one man can be so full of himself  to think that he can upstage all the other contestants to win the evening gown competition is inconceivable.  Yet I was informed that it was a close race between him and Honey Boo Boo for this portion of the competition.  The fact that Honey Boo Boo was able to establish more credibility and honesty with the judges allowed him to take the crown.

Congratulations, Randy Moss, you are this years winner of the Biggest Ego.  Unfortunately as your head gets bigger, so does your mouth.

Ray Lewis

Matthew Emmons-USA TODAY Sports

Finally this year’s winner (to date) is a tie.  A tie between Ray Lewis and Sports Illustrated.  In the swimsuit competition, both competitors came out wearing the same one piece black swim suit.  Both competitors clearly knew how to wait until the last minute to make a statement that took all the attention away from the competition and focused it on their own self-indulging escapades.

Sports Illustrated led off with a shocking news story that Ray Lewis used a banned substance (deer antler spray) to help him in his recovery from a season-ending injury in order to be ready for the granddaddy of all pageants.  Ray Lewis, for his own sake, is denying everything (which in this day and age, thanks to Lance Armstrong, equates to admitting guilt).  So as both contestants walked down the aisle, they suffered swimsuit malfunctions resulting in exposing a dirty little secret that will take the attention away from the game.

The winners will receive more TV and face time then Joan Rivers at a plastic surgery convention, yet Joan will definetly look better in the crown and the Go Daddy swimsuit!

Roger Goodell

Jim O

A special award goes to Roger Goodell for his handling of the NFL referees debacle,the Bountygate eruption and everything else that went wrong this year for the NFL.  According to one judge, “If it were not for Goodell, we would have had a normal and uneventful season.”

So as we wrap up this year’s pageant week, a special thank you to all of our contestants.  Though your crowns are honorary, your self-indulgence, greediness and lack of integrity will continue to define you for as long as there is football or at least until next year when some other bone heads take your place during Super Bowl week …

now can we just play some football?