Green Bay Packers: Stress-free 2013 Predictions

Aaron Rodgers will have his worst season ever, according to the author. But then again, do you really want to believe him?

Raymond T. Rivard photograph

So the Green Bay Packers season is done, Donald Driver has retired and is chasing squirrels out of his attic.

Greg Jennings and Jermichael Finley are still talking a lot but not saying much (too bad they did not take notes from Donald on how to conduct oneself).  So I have decided to make my 2013 Green Bay Packers prediction right now.

I have decided that I am not going to cheat and jump ahead in time to see how things end.  I am going to use my God-given skills and review all the statistical data, schedules, possible weather conditions and Vegas odds to determine how the Green and Gold will finish next season.

First of all, Finley, Jennings and Charles Woodson have all played their final games at Lambeau Field. They will not be back and they will be replaced with second year guys and a few draft choices or even a street free agent or two.

So there, that answers what will happen with them.

I also predict that Mason Crosby (not to be confused with his second cousin, twice removed, Mason Cosby) will bounce back and not miss a single field goal attempt all year and in fact will set a new NFL record with an 85-yard field goal. This however will be the only bright spot for the team.

Offensively and defensively the Packers will plummet to rank 34 in the league (I know there are only 32 teams, but that is how bad it is going to get). In the first game of the season Aaron Rodgers will throw five interceptions, get sacked nine times and will only pass for 13 yards.

This is the high point of the season for him.

On defense, Clay Matthews and the rest of the gang won’t be able to stop a cold, let alone any offense. They will give up at least 52 points per game and allow an average of 456 yards per game. The team will go the entire season without registering a single sack.

Sack celebrations will be a thing of the past for Clay and the Defense in 2013

So after going 0-16, the Packers will get the first pick in the 2014 NFL Draft. Ted Thompson will then trade that pick away for 7 late round picks none of whom will make the cut by the end of the pre-season.

So I know that many of you must be wondering how I can be so optimistic about the upcoming season. Well it is my new philosophy. Last year I sat on the edge of my seat. I, like every other Packers fan, lived and died with each pass, each missed tackle. So now, I have decided for the sake of my own mental health (as well as requests from my family and the immediate neighbors) I need to be more relaxed during the season.

With that in mind, I decided that the best thing I could do to prevent a stroke would be to predict the worst possible outcome. That way, anything above and beyond that will be a success and I can then relax and enjoy each game as it is meant to be  – not yelling and screaming at the TV or the dog.

So Packers fans worldwide, join me in wishing the Packers a horrible, loss-filled 2013 season.  Anything more than that will be icing on the cake.

TAKE BACK THE TUNDRA