STOP THE INTERNET!!!
I wanted to say stop the presses but that is just so antiquated in today’s electronic world. So what is it that has me bringing all things as we know it to a grinding stop? Well the answer is simple, we need some good news out of 1265 Lombardi Avenue. All this talk of possible retirements, surgeries, injuries, cap space and such is really kind of depressing.
So I dusted off my old Texas Instruments computer from 1986, hot wired it for high definition and decided to peer into the future using a recently discovered worm hole that was in my basement. I typed in Green Bay Packers 2013 and came up with the following results.
The 2013 season will begin with shocking news, Aaron Rodgers will announce that he is retiring from football to open a taco stand in Hoboken, N.J. After a few months of doing this he then comes back to the Packers retakes the starting spot from Tim Tebow. Tebow was brought in when Matt Flynn decided to sign with the Vikings. Tebow, not wanting to go through another season like this last one, quits the team and attempts to sign with the LFL’s Green Bay Chill. He gets a minimum contract but after his first practice decides that the LFL is too rough and tough for him (after betting pounded by the Chill’s Rykki Ellen, who leads the Chill to their first LFL title in 2013) so he quits and takes over Rodgers’ taco stand.
OK, so the old Texas Instruments device may not be accurate or the instability of the worm hole could be twisting some of the factual components of the future, but who am I to doubt the validity of what I am seeing? And no, I did not have any cough medicine or adult beverages prior to this endeavor.
I decided to see who the Packers drafted with the 26th pick. I was amazed when I read that Ted Thompson broke his tried and true formula and traded his first, second and third round picks and a gift certificate to Crabby’s Diner for the opportunity to move into the third slot. Then, with that pick, Ted drafted Steven Means, an outside linebacker from Buffalo because he realized the only way to make this team meaner was to get a guy with a tough name.
So as the future was unfolding in front of my eyes, I had to know what was going to happen on the defensive side of the ball. First, Dom Capers is kept on as the defensive coordinator (sorry, Chuck Norris fans). However, after losing to the Bears and Vikings, Capers is relieved of his position and is replaced with LeRoy Butler. Butler then turns the defense around and leads them to a #1 ranking.
So by now I am guessing you all want to know how the season ends. Well, before I got that far, I did learn that the TV duo of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman were replaced with hand puppets and ratings exploded.
So how does the season end? I plugged in Superbowl 48 and the highlights from MetLife Stadium show that our beloved Packers, after going 13-3 ride into the playoffs where they first defeat the 49ers 43-3. Then they beat Seattle on a last second hail Mary (karma is sweet). Finally in the NFC Championship Game, the Packers lead from start to finish and beat the Cowboys 31-14. Finally, in the Super Bowl, the Packers face the surprise team of the season, the Cleveland Browns. In a defensive battle, the Packers pull out a victory with a 63-yard field goal by Mason Crosby, with no time left on the clock. Crosby is then voted Super Bowl MVP.
So Packers fans as we prepare for the Super Bowl this year and wonder what if, know in your hearts that I have seen the future and it is good. Our Packers will be back next year, the Lombardi Trophy back home and cats and dogs living in harmony. So next year when the Pack wins the Super Bowl, remember you read it here first.
TAKE BACK THE TUNDRA