All quiet on the Eastern front for now, but this man is bringing his forces together to do battle

Green Bay: The Conspiracy Has Begun


Something is not right in Green Bay.

Yes training camp has started, the players are residing over at St. Norbert College and Greg Jennings is still clueless in Minnesota.

But that is not what has me worried.

Lord, Emperor, Roger Goodell, his royalness, has been too quiet and that worries me.  What is he planning?  Where are his minions and what are they concocting?

There is no lockout of officials to keep them busy and it is months before they have to have any plan in place to affect the outcome of the Super Bowl (ie: the lights going out).

So what is the dastardly dictator of the No Fun League doing to once again attempt to derail the Packers from another Lombardi Trophy?

Well, based on my undercover sources deep inside the confines of the NFL and ESPN, I have learned that the attack forces of the Dark Side have already begun their quest against the mighty Green and Gold.

Many of you faithful Packers followers are well aware that Coach Mike McCarthy has advised that their plan this year is to reduce the number of injuries to players.  Yet, as we head into another week of camp, it appears that everyone seems to be hurt to some extent.

This is no fluke, it is part of a bigger plan to affect the health and well-being of the Packers.  Added to the water during the scheduled water breaks, is a colorless, odorless chemical, enhancement developed by the North Korean government.

North Korean Leader Kim Jong-un is seen inspecting one of the NFL’s secret labs. Photo Credit: Reuters

The sole purpose of this additive is to render the opposition defenseless by genetically increasing the randomness of the body’s molecular structure to such a degree that it begins to prematurely breakdown.  Initial signs of this untestable agent is increased irritability, emotional outbursts, followed by physical confrontation with co-workers.

Further development of the chemical within the neurological system results in players being sidelined with ailments ranging from slight muscle strains to significant degeneration of healthy cells at the molecular level leading to significant injury and/or the inability to walk long distances without assistance.

These initial signs are evident based on the recent infighting on the practice field, the daily increase of the number of players not practicing due to injury and the fact that many players are finding it necessary to borrow bicycles from local kids to travel between the practice facility and all points beyond.

Thus, there is concern that the Emperor has begun to dismantle the team from within.

Only a cyborg would wear his helmet backwards, just another sign that Finley was replaced with a cyborg. Photo Credit: Morry Gash, AP

Other sources with knowledge of the plans of the great and powerful Goodell have confirmed that Jermichael Finley has been replaced with a cyborg.  I know it may seem hard to believe but consider the fact that so far during training camp, Finley has not said anything controversial, negative or downright stupid.  He has been a model player, providing quality soundbites that toe the company line.

I think that if given the opportunity and if we can look behind his left ear, there should be a small orange power button that will turn him off.  Where the real Finley is, nobody knows. However, if this one can catch the ball better and continue to not put his cybernetic foot in his mouth, I find no need to locate the real Finley.

Finally the whole discussion of bringing Brett Favre back into the Packers family is nothing more than a smoke screen to keep other reporters occupied and away from discovering the truth.  By creating this red herring, the other reporters are running to the light, thinking they are going to magically find the story of how the gunslinger and the House of Lombardi have reconciled.

I, however, will not be fooled by shiny objects.

Rumor has it that Favre and Anthony Weiner are going to write a book about cell phone etiquette. http://www.funnyordie.com.

There will be no reunion as discussed because Mark Murphy can never get hold of Brett cause Brett is too busy coaching high school football, riding his tractor and writing a book with Anthony Weiner about cell phone ettiquette.

Goodell and his people know I am closing in on the truth and it is just a matter of time that I crack their code and bring down the curtain.  When sources start getting too close to the real story things begin to happen.

Scary, secret, covert things.

People disappear and are never heard from again.  Black SUVs mysteriously appear and in the middle of the night, there will be a knock on the door and then nothing.

If you don’t believe me, just watch.  Take my words and apply them to each report coming out of training camp and you will see that the truth is there.  There is a conspiracy against the Packers Nation but we must fight on, take the battle to them and show them that the forces of good will triumph in the end.

Be aware of what is out there and what is coming.  The power of the Dark Side is strong.

GO PACK GO.

Tags: Green Bay Packers NFL Roger Goodell

  • MonkeyBoy Benavidez

    Ooooookkkaaaayyyyy

  • K.L.

    Wut.

  • Dan

    This is excellent. I busted a gut when it came to the Finley part. This provided a much needed comical break from all the camp speculating. I always expect something witty from Darryl. Thanks for writing this piece. I enjoyed it immensely!

  • Dean Nachreiner

    Louis C.K. and Chris Rock watch your backs, there’s a new punster in town. Yaa!

  • Mike Brand

    great fun read indeed

  • zone

    what ever you smoking can I get some.