Green Bay Packers Beginners Guide: Week Three – Cincinnati Bengals

If you’re headed to a Green Bay Packers party this weekend, maybe like Scott Wortman from New York and Justin Kutella from Milwaukee, follow these simple rules provided below. Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports photograph

By Cody Walter, special to Lombardiave.com

Whether it be at work at home or out at the local tavern, I run into fans who could have used a little inside information to get through that night’s Green Bay Packers party.

Not everyone in the world is a die-hard fan, but even the casual fan needs a little help from the experts once in awhile to keep the world sane.

No matter the cause, all you really need are a few good one-liners, some solid information, and perhaps an insider tip or two so you don’t sound like a total infant tool on game day. That said, not everyone has the time to sift through hardcore analysis to make it through those few hours three or four times a year.

Now of course, you can get absolutely plastered and pass out in an emergency situation, but if you things to do later in the day, this weekly prep guide is all you will need.

Good luck not being stupid this weekend.

Records

Both these teams are 1-1. The Packers are pretty good, and so seem to be the Bengals. Don’t pull out the traditional “It’s just the Bengals, they suck” mantra here. That’s not the case and everyone will know you’re a dweeb right off the bat.

Most likely one of the first questions you’ll encounter is, “What do you think?”

Your Money Line

“Well both these teams have the same record and no one, especially me (always use the first person reference), wants to go 1-2. So, I think it’s going to be tight, hard fought game. Obviously (draw that out a bit), Cincinnati is not your father’s Bengals this year, so it’ll be close.”

If you’re feeling really confident at this point, throw in, “It’ll probably boil down to turnovers.”

Grab a Coors Light and some grocery store nachos spiced up with a 69-cent can of Ro*Tel.

Things definitely not to say:

Don’t mention Charles Woodson at any Packers Party. He doesn’t wear Green and Gold any more. Ed Szczepanski-USA TODAY Sports photograph

• Charles Woodson needs to shut down Chad Johnson.

• I wish I were at Lambeau watching this.

• Awesome, we get Aikman and Buck today!

Running Game

In case this is your first game this season make sure you know that Packers picked up two running backs in the draft. Eddie Lacy our second pick seems to be good, Johnathan Franklin, our next RB pick, seems to suck. Eddie Lacy may or not be hurt from a concussion last week when some prick from Washington speared him with his helmet.  Any derogatory word here is fine. Make sure and play up the fact he only got a fine and not a suspension.

The Bengals have the first running back taken in the draft this season. He appears to be good, too. Don’t worry about his name; just go with, “I’m scared a little bit about what’s-his-face that they drafted this year.” Someone will chime in with the name, and you’ll still come off looking like you know what the hell you are talking about.

Your Money Line

“You know, Starks had a nice week last week, but Washington is terrible against the run so who knows (lift arms in air). They aren’t the Bengals front seven that’s for sure (wait for the party to know in agreement). I’d like to see Starks go for another 100 yard game, but I think he has a rough time although the Packers will stay committed regardless just to keep the defense honest.”

This should definitely clear the way for some more crappy beer and perhaps some three-layer dip, or overcooked crock-pot pork.

Things definitely not to say:

Green Bay Packers fullback John Kuhn. might not even play. Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports photograph

• I’m never worried about the run. Nothing is more automatic than Kuhn on 3rd and 1.

• We’ve really missed Alex Green this year.

• Why the hell didn’t Ted didn’t try and get Richardson? He never makes a move.

Passing Game

The Packers are good at passing. They have Aaron Rodgers (if you don’t know this just stay home) and he’s pretty great. Aaron set a record last week, and Jordy Nelson and James Jones have played well. Randall Cobb is our slot receiver and he is the short and super fast guy every team has. He’s been tearing it up too. Our (first person) tight end Jermichael Finley has also played pretty decent so far.

The Bengals have a formidable air attack, too. They have a young quarterback, a good wide receiver and a rookie tight end that is making a splash. That should at least give you the keywords to get by.

Your Money Line

Say anything good about Aaron Rodgers at your next Packers party and you will be loved. Jeff Hanisch-USA TODAY Sports photograph

“I think the Packers will win it (forecast a win subtly) through the air today. All they have to do is keep doing what they’ve been doing, and give Rodgers a little time to throw and some help with a few yards on the ground. If we can rattle their younger guys early, and stop their heavy use of the two TE set (elaborate being worried about our linebackers in coverage) we should keep pace. They’ll have a hundred yard receiver as most teams do (shake head), but hopefully it’s between the twenties only.”

Drop this bomb and you’ll have free reign to everything the insider’s get. Pat yourself on the back and actually try to understand (we call this learning) what the hell is going on in the game for the next time.

Things definitely not to say:

• How many yards does Jennings have so far this season?

• At least we have linebackers that have consistently covered tight ends.

• Jermichael Finley makes great YouTube videos.

Defense

Since this is your first tutorial, if the defense comes up this week, just mutter something about wishing we still had Reggie White, and then say Clay Matthews is a beast or something.

We’ll talk more about that next week. With all this other great information, there is no need to worry about the defense. The Packers don’t. Why should you?

Good luck, and try not to be a dill weed.

"Cody Walter is a full-time garbage truck driver from Iowa. He’s been a Green Bay Packers fan his entire  life, and writes for fun in his spare time."